Neanderpundit: Crapblogging, of course.: "Crapblogging, of course.
I love spicy food. I can't take too much of it, because it kills my stomach, but I love to eat it. One type of particularly spicy food I had not tried, at least until a couple of weeks ago, was Indian cuisine.
So, since I had a chance to spend some time with a co-worker who was indian, and knew some nice restaurants where we were staying, I let him order for me. I had Tandoori chicken with rice and some kind of goats-milk yogurt drink.
Man, I LOVED this stuff. I had my friend order something relatively mild, so it wouldn't kill me but it was GOOD! I liked it a lot- the chicken, especially, was great. Even the rice had a lot of flavor, something you don't usually get in an American restaurant.
I decided, I'm going to eat a LOT more of this stuff, it was great!
Then cam the 6:05. You know, that first morning crap, the one that you hit right after waking, where you can sit, crap, piss, and read the morning paper just before the shower. I settled in to read the Click and Clack article about America's ten ugliest cars, and then the first wave hit.
oh. my. god.
my. ass. is. on. fire.
I never felt anything like this- it wass like being sodomized by a red hot poker while flaming maggots crawled out of your ass- yes, I could physically feel each grain of semidigested rice as it exited, and it felt, well,it felt bad. At about the same time I began to sweat, and my sweat smelled like a polecat in heat. I opened the window, despite the cold, and gasped for breath, and then the aroma hit me.
I have no idea what it was that was coming out of my ass, but it sure wasn't chicken and rice. Then, each time I thought i was done, and moved on, I ended up sitting back down again, and by the time I got through with my shower, I had been back out of the shower and on the throne several more times. By the time I was through I literally had nothing in me, i had shat every bite I had eaten the previous night, and even (by the smell) some things I hadn't eaten in years. Hey! Where'd that White Castle come from?
Before I got to work I'd been on the john again several times at rest stops, doing the anal equivalent of dry heaves, there was just nothing else. Then, the farting started, and it was worse than the smell of burning brakes and armadillo guts. I thought they were going to chase me out of the office, and finally, I left early, stopping at a Walgreens for a big container of Tucks.
No more indian food for me."
Monday, February 13, 2006
Shit Happens
Gut Rumbles: carnival of the crappers: "Other people study the metaphysics of crap.
THE SHIT LIST GHOST SHIT- The kind where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet. CLEAN SHIT- The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET SHIT- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain. SECOND WAVE SHIT- It happens when you're done shitting and you have pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more. POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-SHIT- The kind where you strain so much to get it out you practically have a stroke. ICEBERG SHIT- The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it sticks above the water. RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT- You shit so much, you lose 30 pounds. LINCOLN LOG SHIT- The kind of shit that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASEY SHIT- It is so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER SHIT- The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable traits are the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN SHIT- Self-explanatory GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT, SHIT- It's the kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP SHIT- That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS SHIT (THE POWER DUMP)- The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. LIQUID SHIT- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl. MEXICAN FOOD SHIT- It smells so bad, the room must be condemned. UPPER CLASS SHIT- The kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell. FISHERMAN'S BOBBER SHIT- That's the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golfball size pieces are still floating above the water line."
THE SHIT LIST GHOST SHIT- The kind where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet. CLEAN SHIT- The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET SHIT- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain. SECOND WAVE SHIT- It happens when you're done shitting and you have pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more. POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-SHIT- The kind where you strain so much to get it out you practically have a stroke. ICEBERG SHIT- The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it sticks above the water. RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT- You shit so much, you lose 30 pounds. LINCOLN LOG SHIT- The kind of shit that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASEY SHIT- It is so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER SHIT- The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable traits are the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN SHIT- Self-explanatory GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT, SHIT- It's the kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP SHIT- That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS SHIT (THE POWER DUMP)- The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. LIQUID SHIT- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl. MEXICAN FOOD SHIT- It smells so bad, the room must be condemned. UPPER CLASS SHIT- The kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell. FISHERMAN'S BOBBER SHIT- That's the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golfball size pieces are still floating above the water line."
ECONOMY FACTS
Everything I Know Is Wrong: It's too bad the economy is in such bad shape...
It's too bad the economy is in such bad shape...
Just think how good the news would be if it were in good shape.
Payroll growth averaged 160,000 per month in 2005; it has averaged 229,000 in the past three months. The drop in the jobless rate in January to the lowest level since April 2001 was a surprise: Economists surveyed by MarketWatch expected the unemployment rate to remain at 4.9%.
The unemployment rate has dropped to 4.7%.
Average hourly wages rose 7 cents or 0.4% to $16.41. Economists expected a 0.3% gain. Average hourly earnings are up 3.3% in the past year, about the same as the inflation rate.
The average work week was steady at a revised 33.8 hours. Total hours worked in the economy increased 0.2%
Payrolls in the goods-producing sectors increased by 58,000, including 46,000 in construction and 7,000 in manufacturing. It's the third increase in factory jobs in the past four months.
Payrolls in the services sector rose by 135,000 in January. Education and health care industries added 39,000 jobs; leisure and hospitality industries added 26,000. Retail jobs fell by 1,500.
Of 278 industries, 57.6% were hiring in January. Among 84 manufacturing industries, 47.6% were hiring.
My wife was "discussing" the state of the economy with a liberal friend who was convinced that it was in seriously bad shape. In the end my wife said that it must be "only the numbers" that made it look so good. Her friend agreed.
It's too bad the economy is in such bad shape...
Just think how good the news would be if it were in good shape.
Payroll growth averaged 160,000 per month in 2005; it has averaged 229,000 in the past three months. The drop in the jobless rate in January to the lowest level since April 2001 was a surprise: Economists surveyed by MarketWatch expected the unemployment rate to remain at 4.9%.
The unemployment rate has dropped to 4.7%.
Average hourly wages rose 7 cents or 0.4% to $16.41. Economists expected a 0.3% gain. Average hourly earnings are up 3.3% in the past year, about the same as the inflation rate.
The average work week was steady at a revised 33.8 hours. Total hours worked in the economy increased 0.2%
Payrolls in the goods-producing sectors increased by 58,000, including 46,000 in construction and 7,000 in manufacturing. It's the third increase in factory jobs in the past four months.
Payrolls in the services sector rose by 135,000 in January. Education and health care industries added 39,000 jobs; leisure and hospitality industries added 26,000. Retail jobs fell by 1,500.
Of 278 industries, 57.6% were hiring in January. Among 84 manufacturing industries, 47.6% were hiring.
My wife was "discussing" the state of the economy with a liberal friend who was convinced that it was in seriously bad shape. In the end my wife said that it must be "only the numbers" that made it look so good. Her friend agreed.
Cartoons
EconoPundit: "Via Rantings of a Sand Monkey we have those insensitive cartoons printed in a matter-of-fact fashion by a major Egyptian newspaper LAST OCTOBER during Ramadan:"
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