Wednesday, April 02, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Fwd: jokes - jdr1228@gmail.com - Gmail
Fwd: jokes - jdr1228@gmail.com - Gmail
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean,
almost?'
almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The
priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50 in the poor box.'
priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Lemon Squeeze
There
once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'
sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon
lived alone
in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the
dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my
dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
lived alone
in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the
dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my
dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father
Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature.'
Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It
is!'
is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man:
'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times.'
'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes
into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had
it?'
it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control
company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy:
'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
______________________________
A
newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have
married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last
week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The
wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the
man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even
bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the
man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even
bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the
man asked why she had hit again.
man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Total recall call recording and sgs3 - Page 2 - xda-developers
Total recall call recording and sgs3 - Page 2 - xda-developers: Personal Call & Voice Recorder
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Curmudgeonly & Skeptical presents Boned Jello
Curmudgeonly & Skeptical presents Boned Jello
Paul
Harvey
Conveniently Forgotten Facts.
Back in 1969 a group of Black Panthers decided that
a fellow black
panther named Alex Rackley needed to die. Rackley
was suspected of
disloyalty. Rackley was first tied to a chair. Once
safely
immobilized, his friends tortured him for hours by, among other
things, pouring boiling water on him.
When they got tired of torturing Rackley, Black Panther
member,
Warren Kimbro took Rackley outside and put a bullet in his
head.
Rackley's body was later found floating in a river about 25 miles north
of New Haven, Connecticut .
Perhaps at this point you're curious as to what happened
to these Black Panthers?
In 1977, that's only eight years later, only one of
the killers was still in jail.
The shooter, Warren Kimbro, managed to get a scholarship to
Harvard
and became good friends with none other than Al Gore.
He later became
an assistant dean at an Eastern Connecticut State
College.
Isn't that something!!!
As a '60s radical you can pump a bullet into someone's
head and, a
few years later, in the same state, you can become an
assistant
college dean!
Only in America !!!
Erica Huggins was the woman who served the Panthers by
boiling the
water for Mr. Rackley's torture .. Some years later
Ms. Huggins was
elected to a California School Board.
How in the world do you think these killers got off so easily?
Maybe it was in some part due to the efforts of two people
who came to the defense of the Panthers.
These two people actually went so far as to shut down Yale
University with demonstrations in defense of the accused
Black
Panthers during their trial.
One of these people was none other than Bill Lan
Lee. Mr. Lee, or
Mr. Lan Lee, as the case may be, isn't a college dean. He
isn't a
member of a California School Board. He is now head of the
United
States Justice Department's Civil Rights Division, appointed by
none
other than Bill Clinton.
O.K., so who was the other Panther defender? Is
this other notable
Panther defender now a school board member? Is this other
Panther
apologist now an assistant college dean?
No, neither!
The other Panther defender was, like Lee, a radical law
student at
Yale University at the time. She is now known as The "smartest
woman
in the world." She is none other than the former Secretary
of State
and former Democratic senator from the State of New York ---- the
former First Lady, the incredible Hillary Rodham Clinton .
And now, as Paul Harvey said; "You know the rest of the
story".
Pass this on!
This deserves the widest possible press.
Also remember it when she runs for President!
Mark S. Gilstrap
Member of the Kansas Senate
1997-2008
Paul
Harvey
Conveniently Forgotten Facts.
Back in 1969 a group of Black Panthers decided that
a fellow black
panther named Alex Rackley needed to die. Rackley
was suspected of
disloyalty. Rackley was first tied to a chair. Once
safely
immobilized, his friends tortured him for hours by, among other
things, pouring boiling water on him.
When they got tired of torturing Rackley, Black Panther
member,
Warren Kimbro took Rackley outside and put a bullet in his
head.
Rackley's body was later found floating in a river about 25 miles north
of New Haven, Connecticut .
Perhaps at this point you're curious as to what happened
to these Black Panthers?
In 1977, that's only eight years later, only one of
the killers was still in jail.
The shooter, Warren Kimbro, managed to get a scholarship to
Harvard
and became good friends with none other than Al Gore.
He later became
an assistant dean at an Eastern Connecticut State
College.
Isn't that something!!!
As a '60s radical you can pump a bullet into someone's
head and, a
few years later, in the same state, you can become an
assistant
college dean!
Only in America !!!
Erica Huggins was the woman who served the Panthers by
boiling the
water for Mr. Rackley's torture .. Some years later
Ms. Huggins was
elected to a California School Board.
How in the world do you think these killers got off so easily?
Maybe it was in some part due to the efforts of two people
who came to the defense of the Panthers.
These two people actually went so far as to shut down Yale
University with demonstrations in defense of the accused
Black
Panthers during their trial.
One of these people was none other than Bill Lan
Lee. Mr. Lee, or
Mr. Lan Lee, as the case may be, isn't a college dean. He
isn't a
member of a California School Board. He is now head of the
United
States Justice Department's Civil Rights Division, appointed by
none
other than Bill Clinton.
O.K., so who was the other Panther defender? Is
this other notable
Panther defender now a school board member? Is this other
Panther
apologist now an assistant college dean?
No, neither!
The other Panther defender was, like Lee, a radical law
student at
Yale University at the time. She is now known as The "smartest
woman
in the world." She is none other than the former Secretary
of State
and former Democratic senator from the State of New York ---- the
former First Lady, the incredible Hillary Rodham Clinton .
And now, as Paul Harvey said; "You know the rest of the
story".
Pass this on!
This deserves the widest possible press.
Also remember it when she runs for President!
Mark S. Gilstrap
Member of the Kansas Senate
1997-2008
Monday, March 10, 2014
gottagetdrunkfirst
gottagetdrunkfirst
A Hero
A
quote from a man I TRY to emulate. Samuel Adams. He was a poor man, and
terrible with his own finances, but he was one of the most respected
men amongst his peers. So much that the residents of his colony pooled
their money to buy him a suit (his first ever) after he was elected to
Congress. He went there and was one of the best stewards of OTHER
people's money ever. If only we had him now! And NO he did not brew
beer!
In a state of tranquillity, wealth, and luxury, our descendants would
forget the arts of war and the noble activity and zeal which made their
ancestors invincible. Every art of corruption would be employed to
loosen the bond of union which renders our resistance formidable. When
the spirit of liberty, which now animates our hearts and gives success
to our arms, is extinct, our numbers will accelerate our ruin and render
us easier victims to tyranny. If ye love wealth better than liberty,
the tranquillity of servitude than the animating contest of freedom—go
from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick
the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may
posterity forget that ye were our countrymen! - Samuel Adams
A Hero
quote from a man I TRY to emulate. Samuel Adams. He was a poor man, and
terrible with his own finances, but he was one of the most respected
men amongst his peers. So much that the residents of his colony pooled
their money to buy him a suit (his first ever) after he was elected to
Congress. He went there and was one of the best stewards of OTHER
people's money ever. If only we had him now! And NO he did not brew
beer!
In a state of tranquillity, wealth, and luxury, our descendants would
forget the arts of war and the noble activity and zeal which made their
ancestors invincible. Every art of corruption would be employed to
loosen the bond of union which renders our resistance formidable. When
the spirit of liberty, which now animates our hearts and gives success
to our arms, is extinct, our numbers will accelerate our ruin and render
us easier victims to tyranny. If ye love wealth better than liberty,
the tranquillity of servitude than the animating contest of freedom—go
from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick
the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may
posterity forget that ye were our countrymen! - Samuel Adams
Sunday, March 09, 2014
AMERICAN DIGEST Essays, News, Notes, and Quotes
AMERICAN DIGEST Essays, News, Notes, and Quotes: Sultan Knish: A Maddow in MSNBC land MSNBC has lost the ability to talk to ordinary people. Even other liberals are beginning to evince a distaste for it.
This magnetic force draws MSNBC’s audience of transgender activists, white privilege professors, terrorist supporters, Israel boycotters, women-of-color microaggression Tumblr bloggers, Whole Foods shoppers going from their egalitarian yoga class to their amnesty protest while sipping a Fair Trade wheatgrass drink and listening to a Decembrists’ song.
This magnetic force draws MSNBC’s audience of transgender activists, white privilege professors, terrorist supporters, Israel boycotters, women-of-color microaggression Tumblr bloggers, Whole Foods shoppers going from their egalitarian yoga class to their amnesty protest while sipping a Fair Trade wheatgrass drink and listening to a Decembrists’ song.
Fw: Short and Profound - jdr1228@gmail.com - Gmail
Fw: Short and Profound - jdr1228@gmail.com - Gmail
These three statements tell you a lot about our government and our
culture:
1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few
lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a
few lunatics. Funny how that works.
And another statement for consideration--
2. We constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of
money. How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the
second didn't.
Finally ..
3. The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of
Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of
free Meals and Food Stamps ever ---
culture:
1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few
lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a
few lunatics. Funny how that works.
And another statement for consideration--
2. We constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of
money. How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the
second didn't.
Finally ..
3. The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of
Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of
free Meals and Food Stamps ever ---
to 47 million people,
as of the most recent figures available in 2013.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S.
Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." The
stated reason for this policy
is because
"The animals will grow dependent on handouts and
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S.
Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." The
stated reason for this policy
is because
"The animals will grow dependent on handouts and
will not learn to take care of themselves."
Saturday, March 08, 2014
AMERICAN DIGEST Essays, News, Notes, and Quotes
AMERICAN DIGEST Essays, News, Notes, and Quotes: Be True to Your School
I’ll say it again: These Tea Party groups made the mistake of wanting to participate in the process of legitimization in the first place.
Had they NOT applied for tax-exempt/charity status, this wouldn’t have happened to them. And had they been true to their principles, they would not have applied to join the same club they insist they want to burn down. - - Five Feet of Fury
Your Say (6)
I’ll say it again: These Tea Party groups made the mistake of wanting to participate in the process of legitimization in the first place.
Had they NOT applied for tax-exempt/charity status, this wouldn’t have happened to them. And had they been true to their principles, they would not have applied to join the same club they insist they want to burn down. - - Five Feet of Fury
Your Say (6)
AMERICAN DIGEST Essays, News, Notes, and Quotes
AMERICAN DIGEST Essays, News, Notes, and Quotes: Conservatives expend tremendous effort changing elected officials every other November — and then are surprised that it doesn't make much difference.
Culture trumps politics — which is why, once the question's been settled culturally, conservatives are reduced to playing catch-up, twisting themselves into pretzels to explain (including in the pages of this magazine) why gay marriage is really conservative after all, or why 30 million unskilled immigrants with a majority of births out of wedlock are "natural allies" of the Republican party. - - Mark SteynOnline
Culture trumps politics — which is why, once the question's been settled culturally, conservatives are reduced to playing catch-up, twisting themselves into pretzels to explain (including in the pages of this magazine) why gay marriage is really conservative after all, or why 30 million unskilled immigrants with a majority of births out of wedlock are "natural allies" of the Republican party. - - Mark SteynOnline
Friday, March 07, 2014
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