Virginity!

Hog On IceVirgins Rule

Assuming They Still Exist

Comcast is still running on one cylinder today. If I haven't responded to your emails or popped up on AIM to say hi, this is the reason. Every once in a while, the lights on the modem go on and I get a couple of minutes during which I can just barely use the Internet, but that's about it.

It's amusing to me that people are saying negative things about virginity in my comments. Arguing with people who take this ridiculous attitude reminds me of arguing with the folks who thought the 21st century began with "Y2K, DUDE!" They're very obviously wrong, but you can't make them understand it.

Human beings are not capable of fornicating and getting away with it. Yes, you—one individual—may get away with it (or tell yourself you do), but when society endorses it and it becomes a standard practice, terrible problems arise, and we can't prevent them. And once they occur, we are often incapable of fixing them.

Tell that to a walking hard-on who measures his self-esteem by the number of women he's screwed, and he'll generally get angry. You're threatening the whole foundation of his high regard for himself. If you think he's a boob and a user for screwing around, you're cheating him of the admiration he thinks you owe him.

"You're just jealous!" That one always tickles me. Yes, yes mighty Penis Warrior. It is inconceivable that the rest of us would not envy you and admire you almost as much as you admire yourself. I wish I had what it takes to sit on a bar stool and tell lies to extremely ordinary women I don't care about. "You wish you were me! You just can't admit it! Now excuse me while I put more ointment on my sores."

Whatever, dude. If you don't like it, consider doing something of actual value. That might impress me. If inserting your unit in females is your idea of an impressive achievement, you must not have much to be proud of. The biggest dogs I’ve known were men that didn’t have much else to offer.

It's 2005, and it has been over three decades since we sent people to the moon. But no matter how much money we pour into research, we still haven't been able to solve the horrible problems fornication causes.

Laugh it up, bed-hoppers. But answer this for me: if screwing around is safe and wonderful and wholesome, why are thirty million people dying because of it in Africa? Call me hysterical; I think that's a serious negative consequence.

AIDS is causing suffering on a gigantic scale in Africa, and it has killed thousands and thousands of people here in the US, and it has made many more very ill--incurably so--without killing them. A big percentage of Americans have genital herpes and/or genital warts (caused by a virus which also causes cervical cancer). There are still Americans going insane and dying from syphilis. There are many, many women who can't bear children because VD has ruined their machinery.

If we've got it all figured out, how can all that be true?

Why do we still have millions of unwanted pregnancies every year in this country alone? Can't you admit the obvious, which is that human contraception is still primitive? We can vaccinate against smallpox with a single shot which is totally harmless and works for decades, but contraception is still sloppy and difficult, and I’m sorry to say that on a societal scale, it AIN’T working.

Right now, all over America, women are poisoning themselves with synthetic hormones—get this—because the men they sleep with are too whiny to give up a little friction. Can’t you see the absurdity? Does that seem like an elegant, advanced solution to you?

We now deal with the hazards of sex outside of marriage about as well as we dealt with polio before the Salk vaccine. We do a lame job of preventing them, and when we fail, we do a lame job of responding to them.

If you can’t see the obvious truth, I still love you, but don’t expect me to take your opinion seriously. I realize people are herd creatures, and the herd says, “If it feels good do it,” and most members of the herd would rather die than think for themselves. Besides, if the herd said sex outside of marriage was bad, you’d say it, too.

How can anyone think virginity is a bad thing? I’ve known women who were virgins, and I admired them tremendously. While the other girls were pulling trains on spring break and doing whatever it took to fit in with their classy tongue-pierced friends, the virgins were thinking for themselves and doing what they themselves wanted to do. They weren’t letting themselves be manipulated. That impresses me.

Apart from that, virgins don’t have AIDS, herpes, chlamydia, PID, HTLV, or any of the other hideous ailments you get from screwing around. That’s fantastic. And they also don’t have the other sexually transmitted viruses and microbes medical science hasn’t discovered yet. You think we’ve found them all? Yeah, right. I was an adult before they discovered the bacterium that causes most ulcers. And when I was a kid, no one knew cervical cancer was transmitted through sex. Enjoy living in your cocoon of arrogance. I for one know better. If you think more links between promiscuity and incurable disease aren’t on the way, you my friend are a true idiot.

Haven’t you noticed that promiscuous people are unhealthy and die younger? Are you aware that gay men—the most promiscuous people in our society—have a low life expectancy even after correction for things like AIDS and suicide?

Disease and expensive little bastards aren’t the only problems that arise from promiscuity. Women who screw around become hardened toward men, because they get used so much. I don’t want to deal with an emotional porcupine, do you?

Men say they prefer women who “know what they’re doing” in bed. Do you really think sex is that difficult? It’s not rocket science, folks. And if you’re monogamous, you have a whole lifetime to figure out how to make each other happy. And is it really important to get the best sex partner possible? If that’s your goal, you are what is known as “a shallow person.” You are probably not capable of actual “relationships,” so you might as well grab whatever pleasure you can. I hear the brothels in Thailand are inexpensive.

In the long term, “okay” sex combined with true love and trust will make you happier than great sex and a troublesome bitch.

I’ve pretty much written women off, and even if I hadn’t, I know there is virtually no chance I could land a virgin. I wouldn’t expect that; I realize it’s unrealistic. But I have nothing but admiration for women who wait until they’re truly ready. Other women may hate you because you make them feel like whores, and men may hate you because they can’t get between your legs, but I am your faithful fan. So keep it up.