The Civil War . The War . Historical Documents . Sullivan Ballou Letter | PBS

The Civil War . The War . Historical Documents . Sullivan Ballou Letter | PBS



My very dear Sarah:


The indications are very strong that we shall move in

a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not

be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few

lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no

more . . .





I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in

the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does

not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization

now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great

a debt we owe to those who went before us through the

blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing—perfectly

willing—to lay down all my joys in this life,

to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt

. . .





Sarah my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind

me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could

break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like

a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all

these chains to the battle field.





The memories of the blissful moments I have spent

with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified

to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long.

And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes

the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might

still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons

grown up to honorable manhood, around us. I have, I

know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence,

but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the

wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return

to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah,

never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath

escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your

name. Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have

caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often

times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears

every little spot upon your happiness . . .





But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this

earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall

always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the

darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be

a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath,

as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall

be my spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead;

think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet

again . . .





Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later at the first

Battle of Bull Run, July 21, 1861.





Born March 28, 1829 in Smithfield, R.I., Ballou was

educated at Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass.; Brown

University in Providence, R.I. and the National Law

School in Ballston, N.Y. He was admitted to the Rhode

Island Bar in 1853.





Ballou devoted his brief life to public service. He

was elected in 1854 as clerk of the Rhode Island House

of Representatives, later serving as its speaker.


He married Sarah Hart Shumway on October 15, 1855, and

the following year saw the birth of their first child,

Edgar. A second son, William, was born in 1859.


Ballou immediately entered the military in 1861 after

the war broke out. He became judge advocate of the Rhode

Island militia and was 32 at the time of his death at

the first Battle of Bull Run on July 21, 1861.





When he died, his wife was 24. She later moved to New

Jersey to live out her life with her son, William, and

never re-married. She died at age 80 in 1917.


Sullivan and Sarah Ballou are buried next to each other

at Swan Point Cemetery in Providence, RI. There are

no known living descendants.





Ironically, Sullivan Ballou’s letter was never

mailed. Although Sarah would receive other, decidedly

more upbeat letters, dated after the now-famous letter

from the battlefield, the letter in question would be

found among Sullivan Ballou’s effects when Gov.

William Sprague of Rhode Island traveled to Virginia

to retrieve the remains of his state’s sons who

had fallen in battle.

 

7 Lessons From the Donald Sterling Circus – LewRockwell.com

7 Lessons From the Donald Sterling Circus – LewRockwell.com

7 Lessons From the Donald Sterling Circus

By Robert Ringer

Economic Policy Journal

May 8, 2014

Before I get started, let me say at the outset that I’m
not defending Donald Sterling.  He doesn’t need me or anyone else to
defend him, because he’s entitled to think and say whatever he wants to —
anywhere, anytime, and certainly in his own home.  Whether he’s a saint
or a sinner is irrelevant to me.


Unfortunately for those who demand that Donald Sterling be tarred and
feathered in front of the Staples Center at high noon, it’s not likely
to happen.  Dorky Adam Silver (commissioner of the NBA) jumped at the
opportunity to play the role of tough guy for the Robespierre-crazed
masses, but it was mostly for show.  As an attorney, he certainly must
know that there is nothing in the NBA’s bylaws that comes close to
covering what an owner can and cannot say in his own home.


If Article 13 (the
provision that deals with termination of an owner’s franchise) of those
bylaws is what Silver is counting on to force Sterling out of the
league, he’s going to look quite foolish if The Donald pulls out all
legal stops and starts filing lawsuits en masse, which history tells us
he is wont to do.


Even if Sterling is a “racist” — a word I put in quotes because its
meaning has become so diluted as a result of shameless overuse by those
(both in and outside of the government) who continually profit by
stirring up ill will among races  — there’s nothing in the termination
clause of the NBA bylaws that allows the league to force him to sell his
team because one person, or even one million people, are offended by
something he said in the privacy of his home.


Donald Sterling is no Boy Scout, to be sure, but his remarks were nothing compared to the daily rants of race hustlers like
Al Sharleton (credit Chris Plante), Jesse Jackson, Harry Reid, Joe
Biden, Jeremiah Wright, Spike Lee, and a growing number of professional
athletes.


If everyone is going to be punished for every offensive comment they
make, either in or outside of their home, we’re all in big trouble. 
Back in 2001, I recall negotiating a business deal over the phone with a
doctor from Kentucky who, at one point during our discussion, casually
said to me, “Look, I don’t want you to think I’m trying to Jew you down,
but …”





First of all, I wasn’t recording him.  Second, while his remark
caught me by surprise, I let it pass, said my goodbyes, and decided not
to deal with him again.  No fuss … no muss … next subject.  Would the
same people who are calling for Donald Sterling’s head demand that the
American Medical Association strip that Kentucky doctor of his license
to practice medicine?


While his remark was a turnoff to me, I believe he has every right to
say whatever he wants, and let the marketplace decide his fate — i.e.,
let individuals choose whether or not they want to use his medical
services, do business deals with him, or be involved with him socially. 
The marketplace is the only perfect arbiter on earth.


And how about Daniel Snyder’s refusal to refrain from using the word
“Redskins” as his team’s nickname?  Can the NFL’s other owners vote to
force him to sell his team if they believe his attitude is racist? 
Where does it stop?


In any event, I’m not interested in opining on the merits or lack
thereof of Donald Sterling’s case.  That will be up to the courts and
the race-fixated mobs who roam the country in search of the next great
“social-justice” issue.  (Yes, the mobs will have a big influence on the
outcome of any such court proceedings, just as they always do in the
United States of Lawlessness.)


Personally, whenever there’s a big media blitz about some perceived
wrongdoing, I prefer to ignore the hysteria and think about what I can
learn from the situation that could be useful to me.  Off the top
of my head, following are a handful of lessons that I believe are worth
gleaning from the Sterling media circus — lessons that you can use to
improve yourself and your own life. 

1. People say negative things behind your back all the time.  If you
   don’t already know that, wake up!  If you do know it, don’t let it
   bother you.  Whenever I hear that someone has said something
   unflattering about me, I opt to take the rationally selfish approach and
   do my best to ignore it — especially when I know it’s patently false.  I
   hope, for your sake, that you do the same.
2. Don’t buy into the hate-speech scam.  People have opinions, some of
   which you may like, some of which you may not like.  Best to leave all
   that nonsense up to the PC Police, who achieve mental orgasms by
   harassing (perceived) evil speakers.  You don’t have time to get bogged
   down in group protests if you’re interested in bettering your life.
3. “They” say that hate speech is bad, but what’s worse is the idea
   that someone actually believes he has the moral authority to decide what
   constitutes hate speech in the first place.  Of course, if someone
   hurls a remark directly at you, and you, in your sole judgment, consider
   it to be “hateful,” that’s your prerogative.  As an individual, you
   have a right to make a determination about speech that is aimed
   specifically at you.  But before you get yourself all worked up over it,
   remember what mom taught you about sticks and stones.
4. Learn to reject hypocrisy and hypocrites.  In the Sterling saga, the
   hypocrisy is so thick it’s stifling, as you already know if you’ve been
   following the story at all.  The world is full of hypocrites,
   especially in politics (which is really what hate speech is all about). 
   Best you focus on policing yourself to make sure that you are not
   guilty of hypocrisy.
5. Never forget that friends and sweethearts have a way of becoming
   enemies.  Make sure your mouth understands that.  Talk is not cheap.  On
   the contrary, it has proven to be quite capable of destroying lives. 
   Think before you open your mouth.
6. In the same vein, be vigilant about not making The Big Mistake.  We
   all make little mistakes on a daily basis, but be careful about making a
   mistake so big that it can threaten your very survival.In Donald
   Sterling’s case, maybe he’s a terrible person — I have no idea — but I
   suspect his remarks (which, while not nearly as bad as those that have
   been made by some of his most vocal critics) were nothing more than the
   angry rants of an old guy who was mad at his middle-school
   girlfriend.This is where mom’s advice comes in handy again:  If you
   can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all. 
   There’s a reason why aphorisms like this have been around forever: 
   They’re true.  Instead of wasting time fretting over Donald Sterling’s
   remarks, concentrate on what comes out of your mouth.
7. The best protection against becoming Sterlingized (a form of
   sterilization performed by the loud crowd) is to follow a simple rule: 
   Live every moment as though the whole world were watching and write
   every e-mail as though the whole world were going to be reading it —
   something politicians never seem to learn.

Finally, of course, never — EVER — try to persuade people to change
their fundamental beliefs, no matter how misguided you may think they
are.  Why?  Because you will fail, and you’ll waste a lot of valuable
time in the process.  It’s called opportunity cost.


Use your time to focus on your own life.  The only person over whom you have total control is you.  Put
your efforts into purifying your own life, and forget about the Donald
Sterlings of the world and the rabble-rousers who live for the thrill of
trying to destroy them.

Home

Home

▶ ‫أجدع ست تحرق كتاب المسلمين في عملية تطهير أمريكا‬‎ - YouTube

▶ ‫أجدع ست تحرق كتاب المسلمين في عملية تطهير أمريكا‬‎ - YouTube



Reasons to Burn Koran

(126 unread) - jdr1228 - Yahoo Mail

Practical home remedies  Did you know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers?  Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?  Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Al toids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose. Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 tablespoon horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil for instant relief for aching muscles.  Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.  Cure urinary tract infections with Al ka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Al ka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never advertised for this use.  Honey remedy for skin blemishes..... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.  Listerine therapy for toenail fungus: Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in ListerineMouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.  Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.  Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.  Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue- All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. Hunt's Tomato Paste boil cure... Cover the boil with Hunt's Tomato Paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.  Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic. Vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.. Quaker Oats for fast pain relief.... it's not just for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.  If you send this to one person who doesn't know about this, then it was worth it. I'm gone...!!!!

Curmudgeonly & Skeptical presents Boned Jello

Curmudgeonly & Skeptical presents Boned Jello



Vietnam Memorial



Flowers from Hell

What Happened to All the Laughter? Altucher Confidential

What Happened to All the Laughter? Altucher Confidential: Here’s what I’ve listened to this past week (I see on my Youtube history) that I thought was funny:

“Bo Burnham’s best vine videos”
“The Lonely Island – Spell it Out”
“Louis CK sums up a bad relationship perfectly”
“Lip-sync battle with Joseph Gordon Levitt, Stephen Merchant, and Jimmy Fallon”. Particularly the Stephen Merchant part.
“Marina Funny Bits” -”Ellen Degeneres Here and Now”.

Jesus And The Dimocrat | Grouchy Old Cripple

Jesus And The Dimocrat | Grouchy Old Cripple



A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one
afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican
looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over
there?”


The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.


The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched
back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the
waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and
asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”


The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”


The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Dimocrat
on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, “Hey
there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?” He too
looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over
there?”


The waitress nodded, so the Dimocrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.


“On my bill,” he said loudly.


As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican,
touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The
Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began
to praise the Lord.


Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”


The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he too began to praise the Lord.


Then, Jesus walked towards the Dimocrat, just smiling. The
Dimocrat jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me … I’m on disability.”


For Those Who Understand, No Explanation Is necessary.


For Those Who Do Not Understand, No Explanation Is Possible.

Mark Cuban calls Donald Sterling’s comments “abhorrent,” endorses maximum league punishment | Dallas Morning News

Mark Cuban calls Donald Sterling’s comments “abhorrent,” endorses maximum league punishment | Dallas Morning News



Here is more of what Mark Cuban had to say:



What Donald said was wrong,” Cuban said. “It was abhorrent.
There’s no place for racism in the NBA, any business I’m associated
with, and I don’t want to be associated with people who have that
position.



“But at the same time, that’s a decision I make. I think you’ve got
to be very, very careful when you start making blanket statements about
what people say and think, as opposed to what they do. It’s a very, very
slippery slope.



“Again, there’s no excuse for his positions. There’s no excuse for
what he said. There’s no excuse for anybody to support racism. There’s
no place for it in our league, but there’s a very, very, very slippery
slope.



“If it’s about racism and we’re ready to kick people out of the
league, OK? Then what about homophobia? What about somebody who doesn’t
like a particular religion. What about somebody who’s anti-semitic What
about a xenophobe?



“In this country, people are allowed to be morons.”



http://mavsblog.dallasnews.com/2014/04/mavericks-owner-mark-cuban-calls-donald-sterlings-comments-abhorrent-endorses-maximum-league-punishment.html/

AMERICAN DIGEST Essays, News, Notes, and Quotes

AMERICAN DIGEST Essays, News, Notes, and Quotes: Stop choosing grey men who seem comfortable, but fail to change the system. The Left is brittle and a little mass resistance will go a long way. But, don't fool yourself, without active resistance there will be no change. This habit of retreating from The Left will ruin us all, you included. Putting off this fight only increases the numbers of us that must fight and the destruction from that fight

AMERICAN DIGEST Essays, News, Notes, and Quotes

AMERICAN DIGEST Essays, News, Notes, and Quotes: “There is another class of colored people who make a business of keeping the troubles, the wrongs, and the hardships of the Negro race before the public.

Having learned that they are able to make a living out of their troubles, they have grown into the settled habit of advertising their wrongs — partly because they want sympathy and partly because it pays. Some of these people do not want the Negro to lose his grievances, because they do not want to lose their jobs.... as the disease holds out they have not only an easy means of making a living, but also an easy medium through which to make themselves prominent before the public.” - Booker T. Washington, 1911

The Pig Trap � Taxicab Depressions

The Pig Trap � Taxicab Depressions: One million seconds ago was eleven days ago.

One billion seconds ago was 1982.

One trillion seconds ago was 30,000 BC. Mankind was eating worms and the paleolithic equivalent of roadkill, the assault weapon of the day was a stone axe or a really strong pointy stick, and we had not yet domesticated the dog.

And we have NINETY TRILLION DOLLARS in bills to pay

Regarding “The Pig Trap” � Taxicab Depressions

Regarding “The Pig Trap” � Taxicab Depressions: But as I once heard David Codrea say, “If you have ever filled out a 4473, you are already on a list.”



lists

Stewardship.pdf

John Wesley “
Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can
”

Daily Meditations with Fr. Alfonse: Luke 12:39-48 Entrusted With So Much

Daily Meditations with Fr. Alfonse: Luke 12:39-48 Entrusted With So Much: " I sometimes imagine that at the end of my life I will be handed a few lists outlining all the things I complained about; all the time I wasted; all the excuses I made, and all the things (throughout my life) I considered to be very important. I fear that moment may be a bit embarrassing - not so much for what is on my lists - but when I compare it to God’s immense love and mercy I received throughout my life."

I fear this as well. I imagine God showing me all the people I could have helped and how their lives would have been changed if I cooperated with His grace to help them or serving them by a small act of love and didn't! Or all the times I complained to Jesus about my troubles, or what I thought was important, or what I loved more than HIm and see the fullblown "bad fruits" of it. The veil will be lifted. I am terrified..

Luke 12:48 But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

Luke 12:48 But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.: Matthew 13:12
Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them.

Luke 12:48 But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

Luke 12:48 But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.: New Living Translation
But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.

5 things you didn't know you could do with your router - Yahoo Homes

5 things you didn't know you could do with your router - Yahoo Homes

NetRight Daily� Agenda 21? What is Agenda 21?

NetRight Daily� Agenda 21? What is Agenda 21?

Donald Rumsfeld sends IRS letter every year as he has 'no idea' if tax returns are accurate | Mail Online

Donald Rumsfeld sends IRS letter every year as he has 'no idea' if tax returns are accurate | Mail Online



Income Tax

Store | The Piano Guys

Store | The Piano Guys



funeral music sheet music

▶ Bring Him Home (from Les Mis�rables) - ThePianoGuys - YouTube

▶ Bring Him Home (from Les Mis�rables) - ThePianoGuys - YouTube



funeral music

▶ Nearer My God to Thee (for 9 cellos) - ThePianoGuys - YouTube

▶ Nearer My God to Thee (for 9 cellos) - ThePianoGuys - YouTube



Funeral music

▶ The Mission / How Great Thou Art - ThePianoGuys (Wonder of The World 2 of 7) - YouTube

▶ The Mission / How Great Thou Art - ThePianoGuys (Wonder of The World 2 of 7) - YouTube



Funeral prelude

KA-CHING!

KA-CHING!



 

If Your Friends Ever Say They Have ADHD, Just Show Them This.

If Your Friends Ever Say They Have ADHD, Just Show Them This.



ADHD

MRSA AMERICA & BEYOND™

MRSA AMERICA & BEYOND™  

 GARLIC

Garlic contains
a substance that is particularly effective in encounters with even the
hardiest bacterial strains. A young researcher at the University of
Copenhagen will soon be defending his PhD thesis on the positive
properties of the malodorous plant.

Aggressive
multi-resistant infections constitute an increasing health problem all
over the world. Bacteria are developing resistance at an alarming pace,
so new pharmaceuticals that can combat this threat are in great demand.

"We
know that there is a potent chemical compound in the garlic plant that
neutralises resistant bacteria by paralysing their communication system.
My PhD thesis demonstrates that ajoene -- the substance present in
garlic -- specifically prevents the bacteria from secreting the toxin
rhamnolipid which destroys white blood cells in the body. White blood
cells are indispensable because they play a crucial role in the immune
defence system, not only warding off infection, but also killing
bacteria," explains Tim Holm Jakobsen, PhD Student at the Faculty of
Health and Medical Sciences, who will be defending his thesis on 21
February.

A tough sheath of biofilm

When
bacteria clump together in what is known as biofilm -- where they
surround themselves with a tough film of organic materials -- they
become resistant to antibiotics. Researchers have been devoting much of
their attention to Pseudomonas aeruginosa bacteria, which cause
infections in patients with chronic leg ulcers, for example, and in the
lungs of patients suffering from cystic fibrosis.

"Ajoene
supports and improves treatment with conventional antibiotics. We have
clearly demonstrated this on biofilm cultivated in the laboratory and in
trials involving mice. When we add antibiotics to biofilm they have
very little effect, and ajoene alone barely makes any difference. It is
only when the two are combined that something significant happens,"
explains Tim Holm Jakobsen.

Combination treatment with ajoene and antibiotics kills more than 90 per cent of the normally virulent biofilm.

From
a technical perspective, the ajoene blocks the communication system --
known as Quorum Sensing -- in the bacteria, which is used for purposes
including creating infection.

Chemists outstrip nature

A
large number of natural substances have proved extremely effective as
medicines; taxol from the yew tree is used to treat breast cancer, for
example, while artemisinin from sweet wormwood is effective against
malaria. However, to improve on the original substances from nature --
and to assure sustainable pharmaceutical production -- researchers are
working to augment natural materials through chemical synthesis.

"Garlic
contains so little ajoene that you would need to eat around 50 a day to
achieve the desired effect. This means we have to pick up the ball from
Mother Nature and run with it," says Tim Holm Jacobsen, who hopes that
the pharmaceutical industry will be quick to turn its attention to
producing of the natural substance to which the research group currently
holds the patent.

"There's a lot of money in pharmaceuticals for
treating chronic illnesses such as diabetes, but if we are to win the
race against bacteria, we need to bring new antibiotics into play.
Nature is a great starting point for developing medicines -- two-thirds
of all new pharmaceuticals are based on natural substances," concludes
Tim Holm Jakobsen.

Clostridium difficile - Google Search

Clostridium difficile - Google Search:



Clostridium difficile
Bacteria
Clostridium difficile, also known as CDF/cdf, or C. diff, is a species of Gram-positive spore-forming bacteria that is best known for causing antibiotic-associated diarrhea. Wikipedia
Scientific name: Clostridium difficile
Higher classification: Clostridium
Rank: Species

Serious reading takes a hit from online scanning and skimming, researchers say - The Washington Post

Serious reading takes a hit from online scanning and skimming, researchers say - The Washington Post

▶ Singing PM: 'Fats' Putin over the top of 'Blueberry Hill' with piano solo - YouTube

▶ Singing PM: 'Fats' Putin over the top of 'Blueberry Hill' with piano solo - YouTube

Fwd: jokes - jdr1228@gmail.com - Gmail

Fwd: jokes - jdr1228@gmail.com - Gmail

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 

 

The priest said, 'What do you mean,
almost?' 

 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' 

 

The
priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50 in the poor box.' 

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

  

He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 

 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

 

Lemon Squeeze 

 

 

There
once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 

 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 

 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?' 

 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

 

 

Catholic Dog 

 

 

Muldoon
lived alone
in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the
dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my
dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

  

  

Father
Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature.'

  

  

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

  

  

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

 

Donation 

 

 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

  

'It
is!' 

 

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

  

'I can!' 

 

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

  

'I do!' 

 

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

  

'He is!' 

 

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

  

'He will.' 

 

 

 

Confession 

 

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

  

  

Man:
'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times.'

  

  

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

  

  

Man: 'What sins?'

  

  

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

 

 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

  

  

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

  

  

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'  

 

 

Brothel Trip 

 

 

An elderly man goes
into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. 

 

 

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

  

'I'm 90 years old,' he says. 

 

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had
it?' 

 

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

 

 

Pest Control 

 

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control
company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.  

 

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

  

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

  

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.  

 

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

  

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

  

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

  

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

 

 

 

Marriage Humor

 

 

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

 

Husband: Nothing.

  

  

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

  

  

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

 

-------------------------------

 

 

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

  

  

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

 

 

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------

  

Stress Reliever  

 

 

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

  

Boy:
'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

  

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

 

 

------------------------------

 

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

  

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

  

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

 

 

________________________________

 

 

A
newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

  

  

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have
married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 

 

 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

 

 

 

Husbands are husbands

 

 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.  

 

'What was that for?' the man asked.  

 

The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.  

 

The man then said 'When I was at the races last
week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'  

 

The
wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the
man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even
bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.  

 

Upon re-gaining consciousness the
man asked why she had hit again.  

 

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

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